Tired of all those mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a TRUE “friendship” poem!

• When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
• When you are blue, I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
• When you smile, I’ll know you finally got laid.
• When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.
• When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
• When you are confused, I will use little words to explain.
• When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
• When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath. I pledge ’til the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend!

Remember: A friend will help you move; A really good friend will help you move a body.

Hello, my name is Hugh Gelston, and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000? “Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!” What a bunch of s**t. Maybe the evil chain letter monsters will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being”, forwards about 90 times. And I don’t care. The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, by all means, send it on. Don’t feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Or else tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

• Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
• Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”
• The proctologist called, they found your head.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
• Save Your Breath… You’ll need it to blow up your date!
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• Hang up and drive.
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
• Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
• Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
• Some people just don’t know how to drive. I call these people “Everybody But Me.”
• Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me.
• Guys, just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
• Welcome to America…now speak English.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A master in the art of living
Draws no sharp distinction between
His work and his play,
His labor and his leisure,
His mind and his body,
His education and recreation.
He hardly knows which is which.
He simply preserves his vision of
Excellence through whatever he is doing
and leaves others to determine
whether he is working or playing.
To himself he always seems to
be doing both……

Copied from an article on motivation and getting this done:

Some time ago, I was faced with a decision. The details don’t really matter but suffice it to say that it was one of those life-changing decisions that come to us all sooner or later. I agonized over it; I lay awake at nights thinking about it. It seemed to me that if I made one choice, I would be happy, while if I made the other choice I would be unhappy. One road was right, the other road was wrong. The problem was, I didn’t know which was which. I talked to friends endlessly - I must have driven everyone mad, trying to work out which was the right road. And eventually, you can guess what happened - circumstances changed and suddenly there was no decision to be made any more.

Now, you might think I would happy about this. After all, this terrible decision that I had to make, this choice I had agonized over, was gone. I didn’t have to worry about what would happen if I made the wrong choice any more. But the more I thought about it afterwards, the more I began to realize that something far worse had happened. I had dithered and procrastinated for so long that I froze. Rather than make the wrong decision, I made no decision at all. All the control that I had over my life at that point, the responsibility that was mine, I had given away.

As I thought about it more, I began to see that my thinking had been wrong. I’d been so worried about making the “wrong” decision, that I hadn’t made a decision at all. Essentially, I’d stood in front of a train and spent so much time pondering whether it was better to jump into the nettles on my left or the brambles on my right that the train had just rolled straight over me! After all, how do we know that any decision is the right or the wrong one? The only things that can determine whether a decision is “right” or “wrong” are the consequences that flow from it. Some we can foresee but most we can’t. It’s only looking back that we realize these things. It’s only with hindsight that we can see whether any decision was good or bad, right or wrong.

Life is all about making choices. Every day we’re faced with hundreds of choices - some inconsequential, others vital. It’s important that, as hard as some of them may be, we make those choices and take those decisions. Never be so afraid of making the “wrong” decision that you make no decision at all. If it turns out to be wrong in hindsight, well, you did the best you could at the time. Correct what you can and go on. When you’re faced with a choice, remember that it’s better to make a decision - any decision - than to stand there and be run over by the train.

“The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything” - Theodore Roosevelt